If I ever sound drunk it's only because I am.
—
Crunk Jews (@Crunk_Jews) March 03, 2015
It's hard to pay attention to a friend who is on the phone & is very emotional about a breakup when there's a pizza commercial on
—
MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) March 04, 2015
You don't have to like me but you will respect me...ehh who am I kidding please like me!!
—
(@DaddyJew) March 05, 2015
"Son it's time we had the talk"
"Cmon dad I know about se.."
"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"
"What?"
"It was an inside job"
—
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀DADNEXTDOOR (@CooIStepDad) January 10, 2015
[rubs magic lamp, genie appears]
"U get only one wish."
I wish for the girl of my dreams.
[5 headed crab-shark woman appears]
Nice nice.
—
Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 05, 2015
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
—
Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 26, 2014
[finishes blow drying dogs hair]
There, happy?
Dog: no, add gel, I need it in that
"head out the car window style"
that the bitches love.
—
Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 03, 2015
Relationship Status : I tweet, therefore I'm better at wordplay than foreplay.
—
Ham on Wry (@HeyZeus666) March 03, 2015
I heard you like bad guys..
*eats buffalo wings in bed*
I don't even care how dirty these sheets get 😉
—
(@DaddyJew) March 05, 2015
Bigotry is a sacred union between a man and an outdated belief system.
—
God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 05, 2015
Tonight's parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
—
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 04, 2015
I'll never live up to Hollywood's beauty standards like being skinny, or zit free, or not having eye boogers and Cheeto stained fingers, or
—
Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 05, 2015