If I ever sound drunk it's only because I am.
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Crunk Jews (@Crunk_Jews) March 03, 2015It's hard to pay attention to a friend who is on the phone & is very emotional about a breakup when there's a pizza commercial on
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MattZilla (@mattZillaaaa) March 04, 2015You don't have to like me but you will respect me...ehh who am I kidding please like me!!
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(@DaddyJew) March 05, 2015"Son it's time we had the talk"
"Cmon dad I know about se.."
"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"
"What?"
"It was an inside job"
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀DADNEXTDOOR (@CooIStepDad) January 10, 2015[rubs magic lamp, genie appears]
"U get only one wish."
I wish for the girl of my dreams.
[5 headed crab-shark woman appears]
Nice nice.
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Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 05, 2015Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 26, 2014[finishes blow drying dogs hair]
There, happy?
Dog: no, add gel, I need it in that
"head out the car window style"
that the bitches love.
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Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 03, 2015Relationship Status : I tweet, therefore I'm better at wordplay than foreplay.
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Ham on Wry (@HeyZeus666) March 03, 2015I heard you like bad guys..
*eats buffalo wings in bed*
I don't even care how dirty these sheets get 😉
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(@DaddyJew) March 05, 2015Bigotry is a sacred union between a man and an outdated belief system.
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God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 05, 2015Tonight's parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
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Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 04, 2015I'll never live up to Hollywood's beauty standards like being skinny, or zit free, or not having eye boogers and Cheeto stained fingers, or
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Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 05, 2015