Morning Funnies

It's hard to pay attention to a friend who is on the phone & is very emotional about a breakup when there's a pizza commercial on

— 🐈Mattzilla™️🐈 (@mattZillaaaa) March 4, 2015

[rubs magic lamp, genie appears]

"U get only one wish."

I wish for the girl of my dreams.

[5 headed crab-shark woman appears]

Nice nice.

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 5, 2015

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 26, 2014

[finishes blow drying dogs hair]
There, happy?
Dog: no, add gel, I need it in that
"head out the car window style"
that the bitches love.

— Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) March 3, 2015

Bigotry is a sacred union between a man and an outdated belief system.

— God (Not a Parody, Actually God) (@TheTweetOfGod) March 5, 2015

Tonight's parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2015

I'll never live up to Hollywood's beauty standards like being skinny, or zit free, or not having eye boogers and Cheeto stained fingers, or

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 5, 2015