Getting into a girl's pants is easy. Finding a top that matches and a great pair of shoes to complete your look is the real challenge
—
Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) December 08, 2014Why are pants mean to shirts?
Because they're sons of britches.
*curtsies*
—
Smoochie (@TySmithdrums) March 01, 2015***
[Whispers into her ear at the club]
Wanna step outside and play?
"Ooh baby, YES"
*Draws hopscotch outline*
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The Rolo ツ (@TheRolo) March 04, 2015The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
—
God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 04, 2015***
When I ordr something
From amazon dotcom
Borderline feminine
Like acrylic nails
I also order a do-rag
So the NSA know im also
A "Tuff Guy"
—
(@swinesoup) March 04, 2015Debra, you can't get on that plane!
"Jimmy, you crazy fool! I knew you wouldn't let me leave."
You still have my favorite Pikachu card.
—
Topher Writes (@Iwriteforcats) March 04, 2015***
"I'M GUESS I'M JUST TOO TRILL FOR ALL Y'ALL MAFUCKERS UP IN THIS CLIZZUB," I scream, adjusting my fanny pack and heading home alone again.
—
Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 04, 2015[texting]
Daughter: c u soon
Me: Use real words.
Daughter: LOL
Me: Stop it.
Daughter: LMAO
Me: You're adopted.
Daughter: WTF?!?
Me: kthxbye
—
Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 04, 2015***
Sorry I photobombed your Mom's mammogram.
—
Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) March 04, 2015Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
—
Oblivia (@aveuaskew) December 05, 2014***
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
"Nah"
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) October 27, 2014[antique shop]
I'll take this old record player
I can repurpose it if it spins still
*cut to me doing coke off it*
REPURPOSE LAZY WIN FIVE
—
☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) March 04, 2015***
*I execute a perfect U turn*
"Was that perfect or what?"
Driving instructor: Not bad. Stop stroking my knee.
"Sorr-"
And thigh.
"Sorry, sir"
—
Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) March 04, 2015Randomly text someone you know "Thanks for ruining it" and then go radio silent all day.
—
Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) February 27, 2015