Morning funnies

Getting into a girl's pants is easy. Finding a top that matches and a great pair of shoes to complete your look is the real challenge

—
Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) December 08, 2014

Why are pants mean to shirts? Because they're sons of britches. *curtsies*

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Smoochie (@TySmithdrums) March 01, 2015

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[Whispers into her ear at the club] Wanna step outside and play? "Ooh baby, YES" *Draws hopscotch outline*

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The Rolo ツ (@TheRolo) March 04, 2015

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

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God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 04, 2015

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When I ordr something From amazon dotcom Borderline feminine Like acrylic nails I also order a do-rag So the NSA know im also A "Tuff Guy"

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  (@swinesoup) March 04, 2015

Debra, you can't get on that plane! "Jimmy, you crazy fool! I knew you wouldn't let me leave." You still have my favorite Pikachu card.

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Topher Writes (@Iwriteforcats) March 04, 2015

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"I'M GUESS I'M JUST TOO TRILL FOR ALL Y'ALL MAFUCKERS UP IN THIS CLIZZUB," I scream, adjusting my fanny pack and heading home alone again.

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Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 04, 2015

[texting] Daughter: c u soon Me: Use real words. Daughter: LOL Me: Stop it. Daughter: LMAO Me: You're adopted. Daughter: WTF?!? Me: kthxbye

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Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 04, 2015

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Sorry I photobombed your Mom's mammogram.

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Fonzie's Evil Twin (@caperbc75) March 04, 2015

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".

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Oblivia (@aveuaskew) December 05, 2014

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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it

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PaperWash© (@PaperWash) October 27, 2014

[antique shop] I'll take this old record player I can repurpose it if it spins still *cut to me doing coke off it* REPURPOSE LAZY WIN FIVE

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☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) March 04, 2015

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*I execute a perfect U turn* "Was that perfect or what?" Driving instructor: Not bad. Stop stroking my knee. "Sorr-" And thigh. "Sorry, sir"

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Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) March 04, 2015

Randomly text someone you know "Thanks for ruining it" and then go radio silent all day.

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Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) February 27, 2015