Morning funnies

Getting into a girl's pants is easy. Finding a top that matches and a great pair of shoes to complete your look is the real challenge

— Donnie (@donnie_fairburn) December 8, 2014

[Whispers into her ear at the club]

Wanna step outside and play?

"Ooh baby, YES"

*Draws hopscotch outline*

— the rolo ツ  (@TheRolo) March 4, 2015

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

— God (Not a Parody, Actually God) (@TheTweetOfGod) March 4, 2015

When I ordr something
From amazon dotcom
Borderline feminine
Like acrylic nails
I also order a do-rag
So the NSA know im also
A "Tuff Guy"

— swinesoup (@swinesoup) March 4, 2015

Debra, you can't get on that plane!
"Jimmy, you crazy fool! I knew you wouldn't let me leave."
You still have my favorite Pikachu card.

— Topher Kearby (@TopherKearby) March 4, 2015

"I'M GUESS I'M JUST TOO TRILL FOR ALL Y'ALL MAFUCKERS UP IN THIS CLIZZUB," I scream, adjusting my fanny pack and heading home alone again.

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 4, 2015

[texting]

Daughter: c u soon
Me: Use real words.
Daughter: LOL
Me: Stop it.
Daughter: LMAO
Me: You're adopted.
Daughter: WTF?!?
Me: kthxbye

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 4, 2015

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

"Nah"

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 27, 2014

[antique shop]
I'll take this old record player
I can repurpose it if it spins still
*cut to me doing coke off it*

REPURPOSE LAZY WIN FIVE

— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) March 4, 2015