My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

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Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 24, 2014

Sometimes I text "wanna bang?" to random numbers just to liven up someone else's day.

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Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) February 04, 2015

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[at restaurant] "HE'S CHOKING! SOMEONE HELP!" Me: Lay him down. *drops The People's Elbow* *place goes fucking nuts*

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Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 03, 2015

How come when a chick has phone sex its like "ooh thats hot" But when I do it, its a "felony" and I get a "lifetime ban from the AT&T store"

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Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 03, 2015

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Spaghetti is my favorite food because there's always a small chance that you might end up kissing a dog while you're eating it.

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Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) February 22, 2015

I just want to be the one who puts the sparkle in your eyes *Throws glitter in your face

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Envy Da Tropic (@envydatropic) June 15, 2014

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"my son has a grave allergy" peanuts? "no, updog" what's updog? "nm what's up with u lol, but srsly he will DIE if we make a joke like this"

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sadvil (@crylenol) March 03, 2015

Dad will you teach me magic? "Ok, reach into your pocket" David Blaine tells him [pulls out adoption papers] "Don't call me that anymore"

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PaperWash© (@PaperWash) March 03, 2015

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"911, what's your crisis" existential "have you considered just ending it?" wait, aren't you supposed to help— "all life lacks meaning"

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sadvil (@crylenol) March 03, 2015

Not now kids, Mommy's busy getting validation from strangers on the internet.

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K in VT (@karlainvt) February 06, 2015

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Hey, it’s Tuesday. It could be worse.