My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
—
Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) June 24, 2014Sometimes I text "wanna bang?" to random numbers just to liven up someone else's day.
—
Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) February 04, 2015***
[at restaurant]
"HE'S CHOKING! SOMEONE HELP!"
Me: Lay him down. *drops The People's Elbow*
*place goes fucking nuts*
—
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 03, 2015How come when a chick has phone sex its like "ooh thats hot"
But when I do it, its a "felony" and I get a "lifetime ban from the AT&T store"
—
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 03, 2015***
Spaghetti is my favorite food because there's always a small chance that you might end up kissing a dog while you're eating it.
—
Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) February 22, 2015I just want to be the one who puts the sparkle in your eyes
*Throws glitter in your face
—
Envy Da Tropic (@envydatropic) June 15, 2014***
"my son has a grave allergy"
peanuts?
"no, updog"
what's updog?
"nm what's up with u lol, but srsly he will DIE if we make a joke like this"
—
sadvil (@crylenol) March 03, 2015Dad will you teach me magic?
"Ok, reach into your pocket" David Blaine tells him
[pulls out adoption papers]
"Don't call me that anymore"
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) March 03, 2015***
"911, what's your crisis"
existential
"have you considered just ending it?"
wait, aren't you supposed to help—
"all life lacks meaning"
—
sadvil (@crylenol) March 03, 2015Not now kids, Mommy's busy getting validation from strangers on the internet.
—
K in VT (@karlainvt) February 06, 2015***
Hey, it’s Tuesday. It could be worse.
These are awesome! Good find.
LikeLike
Thanks!
LikeLike