Morning funnies

Sometimes I text "wanna bang?" to random numbers just to liven up someone else's day.

— Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) February 4, 2015

[at restaurant]

"HE'S CHOKING! SOMEONE HELP!"

Me: Lay him down. *drops The People's Elbow*

*place goes fucking nuts*

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 3, 2015

Spaghetti is my favorite food because there's always a small chance that you might end up kissing a dog while you're eating it.

— wendy’s kid (@JermHimselfish) February 22, 2015

I just want to be the one who puts the sparkle in your eyes

*Throws glitter in your face

— Envy (@envydatropic) June 15, 2014

Dad will you teach me magic?

"Ok, reach into your pocket" David Blaine tells him

[pulls out adoption papers]

"Don't call me that anymore"

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) March 3, 2015

Not now kids, Mommy's busy getting validation from strangers on the internet.

— K∀RL∀ IN VT 🍷 (@karlainvt) February 6, 2015