It’s Monday. You may as well laugh.
[interviewing to be fireman]
Here is my resume.
"Sir, this is your mixtape."
WHOA THOSE JAMS ARE ON FIRE
*sprays extinguisher everywhere*
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 2, 2015
Doctor: "Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment."
*Turns on laser*
*Patient's face is attacked by cats*
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) February 5, 2015
When life gives you lemons, you should peel one in front of the other lemons. You know… to send a message.
— SJ (@SuperJuanderer) September 8, 2014
Pizza Friday at the office is always a great bonding experie- NO HELEN YOU MADE US GET A VEGGIE PIZZA PUT THAT FUCKING PEPPERONI SLICE DOWN
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) February 28, 2015
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 9, 2015
You really don't want to fuck with me. I can sing so many Disney songs you would lose your shit. That's right, keep walking. Let it go.
— WittySassBasket™ (@WittySassBasket) February 21, 2015
Accidentally feng shui'd tonight when everybody wang chunged and I've never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 1, 2015
If The Cat in the Hat were written today it would end with the mother getting arrested & the kids in foster care.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 1, 2015
Meh. It’s Monday. Only 4 more days.