I feel like "Thou shalt not kill" was fairly unambiguous. Is it the "thou" that's throwing you off? 'Cause that just means "you", old-style.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 27, 2015
Just got asked to leave Whole Foods because my hair wasn't styled into a pompadour.
— The Cat Whisperer (@TheCatWhisprer) February 26, 2015
I don't care if your glass is half empty or half full. Just fucking finish it and pour another already.
— Crunk Jews (@Crunk_Jews) February 26, 2015
50 Shades of Grey" is a way catchier title than "Domestic Abuse: The Movie."
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) February 13, 2015
Evolution of man: Carves hieroglyphics on wall 👫❤️ Molds sculpture of her beauty💄 Paints portrait of her flawlessness😇 Sends dick pic✊💦
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) February 24, 2015
I'm here today to talk about drugs, kids. "Ooooh." Are drugs good or bad? "BAAAAD!" Then you're doing the wrong drugs. *passes out joints*
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 3, 2014
Eve: I got an Apple. Adam: … Eve: … Adam: … Eve: What? Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. Eve: The serpent said this was better.
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 5, 2014
Time to work on my abs! *sits up in bed.
— Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) April 29, 2014
[how to be a man] 1 grow a beard 2 raise a family 3 get a starter 4 be the very best 5 gotta catch them all 6 I'm talking about Pokemon now
— NoahJerry (@NoahJWatkins) February 23, 2015
And in honor of llamas everywhere:
llama: [sees another llama] Hey buddy I'm a llama too, we should hang! "Actually I'm an alpaca" llama: Well look at this fancy sonofabitch
— huntigula (@huntigula) February 26, 2015
This is how Planet of the Llamas starts.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) February 27, 2015
Happy Friday, everyone!