Morning funnies – Tweets and more tweets

I feel like "Thou shalt not kill" was fairly unambiguous. Is it the "thou" that's throwing you off? 'Cause that just means "you", old-style.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 27, 2015

Just got asked to leave Whole Foods because my hair wasn't styled into a pompadour.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 26, 2015

50 Shades of Grey" is a way catchier title than "Domestic Abuse: The Movie."

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) February 13, 2015

I'm here today to talk about drugs, kids.
"Ooooh."
Are drugs good or bad?
"BAAAAD!"
Then you're doing the wrong drugs.
*passes out joints*

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 3, 2014

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 5, 2014

Time to work on my abs!

*sits up in bed.

— Erren Michaels has two rabbits 🐰🐇 (@ErrenMichaels) April 29, 2014

llama: [sees another llama] Hey buddy I'm a llama too, we should hang!

"Actually I'm an alpaca"

llama: Well look at this fancy sonofabitch

— huntigula (@huntigula) February 26, 2015

This is how Planet of the Llamas starts.

— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) February 27, 2015